hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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