theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
