Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Randomize
