I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Can you repeat that, but with context?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
