I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
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I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
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You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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