I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
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they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
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Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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