I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
how drunk are you?
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