i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
