Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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