I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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