He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
