I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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