I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I wish I could teleport
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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