my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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