paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
