why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea