Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
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My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
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judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.