holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
27 Parents Confess Shocking Secrets Their Kids Don’t Know
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.