whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.