Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god