I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
