I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
