another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
