So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
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I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
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Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.