he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
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the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
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He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going