what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?