You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.