I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
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Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
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My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex