If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.