She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
that may or may not have been my penis.
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