Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
