I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
it hurts more in the daytime
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
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after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
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Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize