and she was petting her beer can
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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