when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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