I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
