why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
