peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize