I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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