I will die if light touches me.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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