We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Farmville is her only friend.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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