why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
