Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
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We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
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I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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