shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
