i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
