I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
