A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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