Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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