Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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