Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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