HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Soap is not a condiment
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
