My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
