My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
