You're completely useless in the revolution.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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