this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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