Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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