MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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