No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
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currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
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Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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