we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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