This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
