Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(404): View more from Georgia

Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow

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(303): View more from Colorado

Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?

(509): View more from Washington

You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.

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(562): View more from California

So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye

(203): View more from Connecticut

Oh.

(203): View more from Connecticut

You came to the right person.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand

(248): View more from Michigan

Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo

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