Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
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