he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
